If you have two cows...
This section, inspired by 'Parable of the Isms' by Anonymous, is a political parody on the simple examples traditionally used to explain basic
economic theory. Here, we depict a scenario where you own two cows and show how you would fare under the various socioeconomic/political
ideologies. This section is also the inspiration for the name of the website: Two Cows.
Socialism: If you have two cows, the government gives one to your
Communism: If you have two cows, the government takes them and
you milk them for everyone.
Marxism: If you have two cows, the cows take over the farm and milk
Fascism: If you have two cows, swelling with national pride, you ride
the cows into battle.
Nazism: If you have two cows, swelling with national pride, the
government shoots you and they ride the cows into battle.
FDRism: If you have two cows, the government hires one cow to milk
the other, putting you out of work.
JFKism: If you have two cows, the government vows to put cows
underwater within a decade.
LBJism: If you have two cows, at odds over milking procedures at a
distant farm, the government sends the cows into battle.
Nixonism: If you have two cows, the government wiretaps the cattle
gate to obtain bovine secrets.
Carterism: If you have two cows, the government prohibits the white
cow from disagreeing with the black cow.
Reaganism: If you have two cows, the government spends $100
billion to make your cows stealthy.
Clintonism: If you have two cows, the government eschews machines
and secretly milks your cows by hand.
Bushism: If you have two cows, noting the superior marbling in right
rump roasts over left rump roasts, government deciders mandate 'no
cow left behind'.
Capitalism (unfettered): If you have two cows, you sell one and
buy a bull.
Capitalism (fettered): If you have two cows, the government
requires you to sell your cows on credit to neighbors who can't afford
them, and guarantees the loans. All of the new cow owners default,
but they keep the cows and the taxpayer covers the loans. The
government criticizes your 'predatory tactics' and 'unfettered markets',
vowing to 'replace selfishness and greed with responsibility and
fairness' (see Obamaism).
Obamaism: If you have two cows, the government gives one to your
neighbor and one to a commercial farm. You pay capital gains tax on
the 'sale' and new cow owners get a tax credit for buying feed. With
the new farm bill, your neighbor also receives government subsidies if
they don't milk the cow. But now you have to buy milk and beef and
you pay much higher prices due to the shortage. Sadly, the milk and
beef aren't as healthy because government regulations require
commercial farms to inject the cows with antibiotics and growth
hormones, making you sick. You can't seek medical care because you
couldn't afford to keep your health insurance when your cows were
taken, and the government won't cover you because, being
self-employed, you don't qualify as an 'at-risk' individual. Lacking
insurance, the government fines you for your 'selfish failure to
contribute'. Clearly a malcontent, your name is added to a 'watch list'.